Advertisement Amusement
by Cybat
Summary: My first humor fic. The smashers try to shoot some commercials to raise money, and the results are chaotic (and hopefully funny). FINALLY UPDATED! If you don't recognize me, I introduce myself in the third chapter. Don't forget to r&r!
1. Advertisement Amusement

(A/N: Before I leave for the summer, I thought I'd leave you all with a parting gift: my attempt at a humor fic! Don't be too harsh if it's not funny. This will have no relation to my series of SSB fics, so don't worry about seeing any original characters here. So, without further ado…)

Advertisement Amusement

Disclaimer: I owned SSB and its characters for a while, but some jerks from some company called Nintendo stole it from me…

(A/N: Me again. This will sort of alternate between script format and regular format, whenever I deem it appropriate. Don't get confused. Oh, and I decided to ignore Mario and Luigi's accents for once.)

Luigi: Mario, that Ho-oh really drained our budget.

Mario: Yeah, it destroyed our whole set! These Pokemon think they own the place.

Pikachu: Pika! Kachu!

Mario: See what I mean?

Luigi: Uh…no.

Mario: Anyway, we need a way of getting some money back. Oh, I know! We can hire telemarketers to convince people to donate us money.

Luigi: Yeah, or we could plant a quarter in the ground and wait for it to grow into a dollar tree. We'd get the same amount of money.

Mario: That would work too…but it's completely lacking in finesse.

Samus: Mario, you have no idea what that word means.

Mario: Do too!

Samus rolled her eyes and went back to her hourly target practice session. Mario asked his fellow smashers for suggestions, a moment before realizing what a mistake that was.

Falco: We should sell Mr. Game & Watch. He'd make a great paperweight.

G&W: Beep beep! Bloop!

DK: I take him for free!

Falco: No, you idiot. We're trying to make money.

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Young Link: I know! We can run around the field, chopping up bushes!

Everyone stared at Young Link oddly. He shrugged and pulled out a large bag of rupees.

Young Link: Worked for me.

Jigglypuff: Puff! Jigglypuff!

Ness: I'm guessing that has something to do with a concert, Jigglypuff?

Jigglypuff nodded vigorously.

Mario: Then definitely not. Any other ideas?

Mewtwo: Obviously, the best way is to start shooting advertisements for other products, so they will pay us.

The room fell silent.

Mario: Good idea, Mewtwo.

Mewtwo: Puny-brained humans.

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Mewtwo: Puny-brained Yoshis.

Mario quickly made several phone calls, and returned with a list of potential products to advertise. 

Mario: Everyone, pick a product. You can work together, and come up with your own commercial. Make it good! Remember, we need money.

The smashers left eagerly, leaving Mario and Luigi alone in the meeting room.

Mario: Why do I have a sense of impending doom?

Peach (dancing in, chanting): I get to be on TV, I get to be on TV!

Mario: Oh, that's right.

Luigi: We're destined to be bankrupt, I can tell.

Mario and Luigi waited for the smashers to be finished for nearly five hours.

Mario: These commercials had better be good

Luigi: Are we talking about the same smashers?

Mario: Well, you never know. They may surprise us yet!

Luigi: Whatever. Hey, here they come!

Mario: Oh, no. That sense of impending doom is back.

Peach: Am I on TV yet?

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Mario slapped his forehead in frustration. 

Mario: All right, who wants to be first?

Young Link: Me!

Mario noticed Zelda, Fox, and Dr. Mario roll their eyes. He took this to be a bad sign.

Zelda (whispering too loudly): Young Link, we don't even have anything prepared yet!

Young Link: No problem, I'll improvise!

Dr. Mario: You do that. We'll watch.

Young Link: OK, let's see. Our product was this box of 512 Crayola crayons…

Luigi: 512?

Mario: The guy on the phone said that each crayon would be so cheap, they would sell themselves!

Luigi: Let's hope so, Young Link certainly won't sell any.

Young Link: You should buy this box! It's pretty, and has pretty colors!

Mario: Very convincing, kid.

Young Link pulled out a box of crayons, and began taking crayons out one by one.

Mario: What are you doing?

Young Link: It has colors like…red and brown and purple and aquamarine and gray and olive and…

Mario: Get off the stage!

Young Link: …and chartreuse and lavender and burnt sienna…

Fox: Burnt sienna?

YL: That's what it says!…and bittersweet and mahogany and razzle dazzle red…

Mario: Off the stage. Now.

YL: Just a few more minutes?

Mario: No. 

Dr. Mario: Good improvisation there, Young Link. Way to sell our product.

YL: I thought so. He didn't let me finish, though.

Zelda: I'm sure that was enough of a sample to make everyone want to buy some crayons.

DK: Me convinced.

Falco: That doesn't help, you idiot.

G&W: Bleep!

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Pikachu: Kachu!

Peach: And a partridge in a pear tree!

Mario: Next!

Bowser: I'll go, you weak plumber.

Ganondorf and the Ice Climbers followed Bowser on stage.

Luigi: How did they get the Ice Climbers to join their group?

Ganondorf: Our product is this lovely hammer.

Luigi: Oh, I see.

Bowser: This is a high-quality hammer, excellent for hitting people on the head. Mario, would you care to come up and help me demonstrate?

Mario: Oh, that's very clever, Bowser. 

Ganondorf: Well, it worked on DK.

Popo: Can I have the hammer now?

Bowser: No…

Nana: You promised!

Popo and Nana promptly burst into tears.

Mario: Give them the hammer!

Ganondorf: No! It's mine!

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Young Link: …and melon and blue-green and green-blue and turquoise and lemon…

Mario: All of you, off the stage! Please?

Popo (sobbing): Give me the hammer, you meanie!

Mewtwo: Silence, fools!

Mario: Thank you, Mewtwo…I think. Anyway, who would like to go next?

Pikachu: Pika!

Mario: Fine…I assume you have at least one English-speaking perso-um, character in your group?

Pikachu: Ka?

Pikachu looked around. Mr. Game & Watch, Yoshi, and Jigglypuff shook their heads.

Mario: Oh, good lord. Do you know sign language?

G&W: Beep?

Jigglypuff: Jigglypuff!

Mario: Oh, right…no hands.

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Mario: Unbelievable. What was your product, anyway?

Pikachu held up a copy of Super Smash Bros. Melee.

Mario: Oh, good.

Luigi: Good?

Mario: Yeah…we don't need to advertise for this game! Everyone who has a GameCube already has it!

Luigi: Oh, right.

Samus: Can we go now?

Young Link: …and mauve and maroon and mahogany and gold and sunset orange and…

Mario: Please do.

Samus's group consisted of herself, Falco, Pichu, DK, and Captain Falcon. Falco dragged a fake computer onto the stage.

Falco: See, we have a prop!

Mario: I'm impressed already. What was your product?

Falcon: Our product was Fehisak, the amazing new heartburn drug.

Falco: You may ask how we came up with such a memorable name. Well, we were going to use the standard method of dropping a live fish onto the keyboard and letting it flop around a bit, but DK had just eaten the last live fish. So, we did the next best thing.

DK lifted up Pichu and held him over the keyboard, and dropped him.

Pichu: Chu…

Falco: You idiot! You were supposed to drop him _onto _the keyboard!

DK: Keyboard?

Falco: Arrgh!

Samus: Um…anyway, Fehisak will magically cure any case of heartburn you may have. You may not know this, but heartburn originates in the heart. Fehisak solves this problem.

Falcon: Fehisak is not for everyone.

Falco: Stupid ape!

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Falcon: As I was saying…if you have heartburn, do not take Fehisak. Side effects of Fehisak may include drowsiness and heartburn. People without a heart should consult their doctor.

The smashers erupted into laughter. Mario glared.

DK: Fehisak good!

Pichu: Pi…

Mario: Well, that was very, very clever. 

Samus: I made it up myself.

Mario: You do realize that we're trying to GET PEOPLE TO BUY THIS, RIGHT?

Peach: I'm on TV!

Young Link: …and fawn and eggshell and lime and vermilion and celadon and pewter and…

Nana: Give me that hammer!

Ganondorf: NO!

Mario: WHO'S NEXT?

No one heard Mario over the noise except for Peach.

Peach: My turn! My turn!

Mario: Peach, who was stupid enough to join your group?

Peach: Link! He wrote me a speech, but I'm going to read it because I'll appeal to the audience.

Mario: Only if the audience is as stupid as you are. What are you advertising?

Peach: A vacation to the Mushroom Kingdom!

Mario: Oh, great. There goes our tourism income.

Peach cleared her throat dramatically.

Peach: You…should…go…to…Mush…Mushroom…Ki…Kingd…Kingdom…Link, what's this word?

Link: Because, Peach.

Peach: Kingdom…because, peach…it…is…

Link: Are you sure you don't want me to read it?

Peach: Is that a trick question? Don't try to fool me while I have my guard down?

Mario: Get off the stage, Peach.

Peach: it is…nice…and…the…Link?

Link: People. I'm a moron.

Peach: and the people. I'm a moron…are nice.

Everyone burst out laughing, even Mario.

Mario (between laughs): Who's next?

Fox (ditto): We are. Now, Marth and Roy don't speak English, so they're going to be props.

Kirby: That's right. Our product is the incredibly entertaining show, WWF.

Fox: Yep. If you want excitement…

Kirby kneed Marth in the groin.

Marth: Ow…

Kirby: If you want danger…

Fox approached Roy from behind, holding a chair menacingly.

Roy: Ouch…

Fox: Then watch…

Kirby and Fox leapt into the air and body slammed the Japanese swordsmen.

Both: WWF!

Marth and Roy moaned pitifully.

Mario: That wasn't very nice.

Young Link: …and violet and crimson and carrot and saffron and banana…

Mario: Now, if you had body slammed him, that would be different.

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Mario: Did _anyone_ take this seriously?

Ness: Of course we did!

Luigi: You and Mewtwo, huh. Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

Mario: I wonder.

Mewtwo: Our product was Super Sugar Frosted Sugar Cubes flavored corn flakes.

Ness: Or Sugar for short.

Mario: Wonder why…

Mewtwo and Ness both turned to face different parts of the audience. They closed their eyes, and raised their arms, and began to speak in an ominous monotone.

Mewtwo and Ness: You _will_ buy Sugar cereal.

Smashers (except Mario, who had plugged his ears): We _will_ buy Sugar cereal.

Both: You will enjoy it.

Smashers: We will enjoy it.

Both: You will tell all of your friends to-

Mario: Stop! Stop that right now!

Mewtwo: You're no fun, Mario.

Mario: And you're a moron.

Mewtwo: How dare you-

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Popo: I WANT THAT HAMMER!

Bowser: YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!

Young Link: …and hot blue and neon blue and sky blue and light blue and dark blue and…

Mario: Well…we're officially bankrupt. I think I'll go shoot me some Ho-oh's.

Yoshi: Wait! Why don't we just make another game! That'll make us a ton of money!

Everyone stared at Yoshi. Yoshi shrugged and laughed.

Yoshi: Hey, you were doing fine.

Mario: Hmm…maybe I'll go shoot me some Yoshis instead.

Yoshi: Aaah!

Popo and Nana: HAMMER!

Bowser and Ganondorf: NO!

Falco: Moron!

DK: Banana! Little boy said banana!

Young Link: …and white. Hey! That was the whole box! That's not 512 crayons!

Falcon: Suddenly, I just got a craving for Sugar cereal.

Smashers: Me too!

Everyone left, except Luigi, Mewtwo and Ness. Mario chased Yoshi away.

Luigi: Well…at least nobody died this time.

(A/N: Funny? Let me know in a review if I should continue with humor, or stick to action/adventure. See you all in August!)


	2. Commercial Chaos

(A/N: Well, I figured I might as well try out humor again. This fic seemed to be pretty popular, so I'll keep going with it. Who knows how long it'll end up?)

Chapter 2: Commercial Chaos

It was the morning after the smashers' advertisement fiasco. Luigi was talking on the phone, Mewtwo and Ness were practicing their telekinesis on unsuspecting passersby, the smashers were sitting around the breakfast table eating Sugar cereal, and Mario was grumpily and thoroughly ignoring them all.

Mario: I hate my life.

Luigi: Mario! Great news! The commercial people loved our ads, and we're supposed to make new ones!

Mario: WHAT?!

Mario bolted up from his bed. He looked around and assured himself that he had been dreaming. Peach came in.

Peach: What's wrong, honeysugarpumpkin?

Mario looked at her oddly for a moment.

Mario: I just had a weird dream. The commercial people loved our ads and we were supposed to make new ones.

Peach: Sounds like a dream come true! I would be on TV again!

Mario: What, working with all the smashers again? More like a nightmare!

Suddenly, Luigi rushed in.

Luigi: Mario! The commercial people loved our ads and we were supposed to make new ones.

Mario bolted up from the couch, promptly falling onto the floor.

Mario: Ow. What a dream. Somebody pinch me.

DK: I'll do it!

DK, who was in the hall, wasted no time in running through the door to Mario's aid.

Mario: Next time, open the door first.

DK: Oh, sorry.

Luigi burst in and started shouted just as DK pinched Mario as hard as he could.

Luigi: The commercial people loved our ads and-

Mario shook his hand as DK's hirsute hand passed right through Mario's body.

Mario: Unbelievable.

Mario bolted up from the floor in the game room. 

Mario: I really hate my life. Hmm…maybe my dream could be somehow interpreted to predict the events of my real life.

Mario pinched himself, and was relieved to find that he was finally awake. Suddenly, Luigi ran in, out of breath.

Luigi: Mario! The commercial people loved our ads and we were supposed to make new ones.

Mario: Just call me Joseph.

Luigi: Huh?

Mario: Never mind. Call the smashers.

Soon, the smashers were assembled around the meeting table, which also happened to be the breakfast table.

Mario: Where are Ness and Mewtwo?

Ness and Mewtwo walked into the room followed by a young boy with bloodshot, glazed eyes and a Pokemon T-shirt.

Mewtwo: He followed us home. Can we keep him?

Mario: I hate you. Put him back outside.

Ness: Please? I'll feed him and take good care of him-

Mario: NOW!

The two psychics reluctantly complied. Mario cleared his throat and continued.

Mario: Believe it or not, our commercials were all huge successes, and people want us to do more.

Samus: Are you sure they didn't have a wrong number?

Mario: Yes, unfortunately. Now, split yourselves up again. 

Ness: Can we have the same groups as last time?

Mario: NO! No psychic powers this time.

Mewtwo: You're no fun.

DK: I like bananas.

Mario: Um…thank you, DK. I don't think we need to advertise any bananas, but don't worry, I'd look you up first.

Fox: Hey, can't we pay for that set yet?

Mario: Apparently not. Please just go!

The smashers ran off to plan their commercials.

Mario: Why me?

Luigi: Maybe they've learned something since last time.

Peach (dancing): I get to be on TV again!

Mario: Nope.

The smashers came in a few hours later, all brimming with excitement.

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Young Link: Great news, everyone! I discovered a secret level in my box of crayons! Now I have more crayon names to read off!

Mario: Samus, shoot him.

Samus: Good idea.

Samus aimed and fired, but the young elf was pacing energetically, reading colors.

YL: Ooh! Wisteria and robin's egg blue and carnation pink and chestnut and pacific blue and raw sienna…

Falcon: _Raw sienna?_

YL: That's what it says.

Mario: Samus, try again.

Samus nodded and fired her missile, but it stopped in mid-air.

Mewtwo: Ignore that fool. Allow us to present our advertisement.

Mario: Fine, maybe that will cheer me up. 

Falcon, Ganondorf, and Kirby walked onto the stage.

Mario (with a big sigh): Whenever you're ready.

Ganondorf: Right! Our product was the brand new Chevrolet Mongoose!

Mario: Mongoose?

Ganondorf: Hey, I'm just the announcer.

Falcon and Kirby began to (badly) act very upset.

Ganondorf: What's wrong, friends?

Ganondorf's voice was so cheery and happy that the smashers burst out laughing.

Kirby: I hate my car! The front door handle is broken, there's a big dent on the trunk, it makes funny noises all the time, and every time I start the motor, I hear a faint evil laugh.

Bowser began to whistle innocently. Mario slapped his forehead again.

Falcon: Oh yeah? Well, _my_ car sometimes locks itself while I'm in it and won't let me open it! And the motor doesn't start unless I hit it with a two by four!

Ganondorf: Well, today's your lucky day!

DK: They won the lottery?

Ganondorf: No…

DK: He gets a free 2 by 4 for his motor?

Ganondorf: Definitely not! There's a fantastic car sale at Chevrolet this week, and it's the biggest sale EVER!

Kirby: Ever?

Ganondorf (quietly): Well, since yesterday. (loudly again) Anyway, we're introducing our new car, the Mongoose! Complete with wheels, a steering wheel, a paint job _and _a motor, this beauty can be yours for only $40,000!

Falcon: Why would I pay $40,000 for a car?

Ganondorf: Ah, but it has an APR of 0.2%!

Kirby: Huh?

Ganondorf: And a QPW of 9 billion!

Falcon: Q…for…quotient?

Ganondorf: And 2,000 pennies cash back, and a retail value of 50,000 pounds of garbage!

Kirby: Wow!

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Falcon: Question? Quack? Queasy? Quash? I MUST KNOW!

Ganondorf: So, who's interested?

Kirby: Me! Sign me up!

Ganondorf: After a week, you'll be proudly saying, "I own a Mongoose!" At least until PETA comes after you…

Mario: Good work, all. Please go away. Next!

Young Link: And sepia and wild strawberry and violet (purple) …

Mario sighed deeply. Samus was already aiming her missile.

Falco: We'll go!

Falco, DK, Marth, and Pikachu stepped up. DK just happened to walk in front of Young Link, taking the missile blow.

DK: Ouch!

Falco: I feel so lucky to be part of this group.

Pikachu: Pi?

Mario: What's your product?

DK: BANANA!

Mario: You're joking.

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Peach: I love bananas!

Mario: No you don't.

Peach: Oh, you're right. I thought I was DK for a second.

Mario slapped his forehead again. It was starting to really hurt.

DK: Buy bananas!

Pikachu: Pika!

Marth nodded and took a banana from DK.

DK: No! Give banana back!

Falco: You dumb ape, that was supposed to happen.

DK: Oh. Right.

Falco: Can we be done now?

Pikachu: Chu!

DK: Buy more banana!

Pikachu shrugged and took another one.

DK: NO! MY BANANA!

Pikachu (sighing): Ka…

Falco: You stupid – anyway, everyone should buy bananas because-

DK: Wait! I know this part! They're high in pot…potass…um…They're yellow!

Falco: Arrgh! I'll kill you!

Falcon: Quagmire? Quill? ARRGH!

An enraged Falco chased DK off the stage. Marth and Pikachu shrugged and followed. Falcon continued his dictionarial (A/N: Shut up! That's a word!) musings.

Mario: I can almost hear the stampede of people, rushing to the grocery stores to buy bananas…next!

Peach: Can we go now?

Mario: Yes, I suppose we'll get you and your escapades out of the way. What was your product?

Peach: Our product was Attorney…uh…

Falcon: Ahem. We are advertising the _services_ of Attorney Will Takyurmuny.

Mario: What was that last name again?

Fox: Takyurmuny.

Mario: Whatever. Go ahead.

Peach, Link, Fox, and G&W walked onstage. 

Link: Hello. I am Attorney Will Takyurmuny, here to advise you of your rights as a person.

Fox: Hey!

Link: Or fox.

G&W: Beep!

Link: Or…stick figure.

Peach: Hey!

Link: Or peach.

Peach: Better.

Link: Right…anyway, if you get into an accident, just call me and I'll help you win money. I will not allow your rights to be trampled by anyone! Let's hear from some satisfied customers.

Fox: Yeah…I was walking around one day, and suddenly, a big guy walked right into me! I stumbled backward a few feet, and hit my head on a tree that was just sitting in the middle of the sidewalk! Good ol' Attorney Will Takyurmuny sued the guy _and_ whatever idiots planted the tree, _and_ the morons who built the sidewalk who let someone plant a tree there…

Fox stopped to take a breath, then continued.

Fox: And won me over 2 billion dollars!

G&W: Beep! Bleep! Boop!

Link: Um, yes, I helped him too.

Peach (trying to read her cue card): I…was…um…ah…

Link: Yes, well, she received lots of money from my services as well. Thank you and goodnight.

Peach: dr…driving…and…

Mario: That's all the time we have. Next?

Falcon: Quickly? Quartz?

Bowser: We've prepared a two-hour documentary about our product!

Mario: Bowser, go away.

Bowser, Ness, Yoshi, Young Link, and Dr. Mario walked onstage.

Yoshi: Yoshi!

YL: And magenta and crimson and scarlet and cerulean and cornflower and purple mountain's majesty…

Bowser: Young Link has defected from our group to the group of complete and utter morons. 

Indeed, Young Link was heading straight for Peach and DK to show them his crayons.

Ness: Our product is cheese.

Dr. Mario: Cheese is good for you! Very high in…protein, or something. Maybe vitamin K.

Bowser: Behold the power of cheese!

Bowser took a huge cube of cheese and threw it at Young Link's head. He passed out instantly. There was much rejoicing.

Everyone: Yay.

Ness: So, just look at all the things you can do with cheese. In fact-

Ness stopped talking quickly, as Yoshi elongated his tongue and swallowed the cheese.

Mario: Yes, well, that's quite enough of that. 

Ness: I didn't get to do my speech! I hate you, Yoshi!

Falco: You're an idiot! I hate you, DK!

Peach: I didn't get to be on TV long enough! I hate you, world!

Mario: The world hates you too, Peach. Who's next?

Zelda: Us.

Zelda walked onstage with the Ice Climbers.

Mario: What are you advertising?

Zelda: It's a secret!

Nana: Yeah, and it's not pizza!

Popo: No! Definitely not pizza.

Zelda sighed, shaking her head. She probably knew how Mario felt.

  
Falcon: Quota? Quintuple? Qatar?

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Zelda (loudly, to announce the start of their ad): Boy, I'm hungry. What's for dinner?

Popo (running up from the background): What everyone wants for dinner! Pizza!

Zelda: Um…actually…

Nana (ditto): Yes, of course you don't want a regular old delivered pizza. That's why there's…

Ice Climbers: DiGiornos!

Zelda: Bless you. Now, what I'd really like is some-

Popo: Ha ha! You are such a funny girl! Now, luckily we have some here for you to sample!

Zelda: I really don't-

Nana: Oh, of course, you're a princess; you're worried about people poisoning your food! Don't worry, I'll taste it for you.

Zelda: I-

Nana: Mmm! This is so good! It melts in my mouth!

Popo: Not in your hand!

Nana (whispering): Wrong commercial.

Popo: Oh.

Zelda: That's actually not-

Popo: Go on! Have a bite. Because…

Ice Climbers: It's not delivery! It's-

Zelda (triumphantly interrupting them): Pizza! Which is not what I want for dinner! I really just want some chicken.

Ice Climbers (dejectedly): Oh.

The trio walked offstage. Mario chuckled a bit; theirs was quite clever.

Mario: Who's left?

Peach: I…was…hit…um…

Falcon: Quintillion? Quaff? Quizzing? Quotation?

Mewtwo: You idiot! He made it up!

Falcon: WHAT?

Falcon chased Ganondorf outside. Falco, who had been quietly fighting with DK, did the same (to DK), and Ness followed suit, chasing the unfortunate Yoshi away.

YL: Hey! I'm OK now, don't worry! What happened to me, anyway?

Luigi: Oh, no…

YL: Where was I?

Samus fired her missile just in time and incinerated the box of crayons.

YL: NO!!!!!!!!

Peach: Will…Taky……Will helped…

Mario: Peach, shut up. Is anyone left?

Mewtwo: How could you forget about me?

Roy, Pichu, Jigglypuff, Samus, and Mewtwo walked up.

Mario: I have a bad feeling about this.

Mewtwo: Our product was Super Mario Sunshine. Mwa ha ha.

Mario: Why me?

Peach (suddenly realizing what Mario had said): Don't tell me to shut up!

Young Link was wailing over his lost crayons. Falcon, Ganondorf, Falco, DK, Ness, and Yoshi were making quite a ruckus in the background, adding to the general confusion of the moment. 

Pichu: Pi! Pichu!

Jigglypuff: Puff! Jigglypuff!

Roy: Konichiwa!

Samus: Well, Mewtwo, as the only English-speaking members of this group, we should share our opinions about this game.

Mario: No! Don't…

Mewtwo: This is, quite frankly, the worst game I have ever played. It is…

Mario: Please stop! I'll do anything! I haven't made a game in six years; this one has to do well!

Mewtwo: Can we keep the kid?

Mario: Keep the kid! Fine! Just don't…

Mewtwo, chuckling evilly, walked off the stage. Samus, Roy, and the Pokemon followed suit. Mario sobbed to himself, thinking of the implications of his game's failing. 

Luigi: Well, I'll just send these tapes to the TV stations then…

Mario: Whatever…

Luigi: Hey, no one died again-

Just then, the Pokemon-shirted kid walked through the door, coinciding with Falcon's fury-induced Falcon Punch.

Luigi: Darn.

(A/N: Well, I used most of the good jokes in the first chapter…so this one's probably not quite as funny. Sorry; hope you like it anyway.)


	3. Propaganda Pandemonium

(A/N: Does anyone recognize me from the 'old-school' days of SSB? Well, I wrote a 7-fic action/adventure series laden with original characters a while ago, but lost interest before I finished it. If you want to read them, which I would highly suggest, you should going to my profile to view them and read them in order starting from the bottom. Anyway, I also wrote one humor fic, and it seemed to be pretty popular. 

I guess it's kind of weird to introduce myself in chapter 3, but I didn't feel like changing the first chapter. Anyway, at long last, here's the continuation to Advertisement Amusement!)

Chapter 3: Propaganda Pandemonium

(A/N: Hooray for thesaurus.com. I'm clearly going to run out of alliterations at some point, though. Ideas would be appreciated.)

The smashers were gathered simultaneously around the breakfast table, the meeting table, and the pool table, enjoying another bowl of Sugar cereal. Mario sat at the head of the table, pondering the events of the previous two days with a pained look on his face. Suddenly Luigi rushed in, almost bursting with excitement.

Luigi: THE SET IS FIXED!

Mario: You're joking.

Luigi: NO! IT'S ALL DONE! WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE MONEY! WE DON'T NEED TO MAKE ANY MORE COMMERCIALS! HALLELUJAH!

Mario: You know, I have an ungodly premonition telling me that you're wrong.

Suddenly, the smashers heard a businesslike knock on the door. Before anyone could attempt to suggest to Mario that it was unrelated to their need for money, Mario sulked and spoke loudly.

Mario: I hate you.

Samus opened the door and a large woman barged in with a furious expression on her face. Samus cringed and directed her to Mario graciously. Mario inconspicuously clenched his fists in anger at Samus's assumed hospitality.

Mario: Thank you, Samus. How can I help you, ma'am?

Woman: I hate you all! Where is my son?

Mario: Your so-wait a minute.

Mario turned around and glared at Mewtwo and Ness. They shrugged and pointed to Captain Falcon. He, in turn, pointed back to Mario, and whispered quietly in his defense.

Falcon: You were in charge, you should have known better.

Mario slapped his forehead. He mused that, at this rate, he would do better to hire someone to do the slapping for him.

Mario: Now look, Mrs….

Woman: My name is Moron.

Mario barely stifled a laugh. Other smashers were not as skillful.

Mario: I'm sorry?

Woman: Mrs. Maurron. M-a-u-r-r-o-n. What's so funny?

Falco: Oh, *snicker* it just reminded me of an inside joke…from camp. 

Mario: Look, maybe your kid got lost or…lost track of time.

Mrs. Maurron: No, my boy is punctual! You could set Big Ben on his sense of time! You'd be about a half hour off, but you could do it!

Shaking his head, Mario began another attempt at reassigning guilt.

Mrs. Maurron: Anyway, you don't have to lie to me. I watched the whole thing on camera.

Mario: WHAT?

Mrs. Maurron: Yes, apparently the feds were worried about your Sugar cereal commercial for some reason, so they installed cameras. I saw everything: those two freaks bringing him home, and that monster killing him with some kind of falcon punch! I'm suing _you_ and _you_ for kidnapping, and _you_ for murder! And the rest of you for accessories to kidnapping and murder! I'll see you in court!

Just then, Ganondorf walked in. He had hurt his voice the previous day speaking so cheerfully, and had to rest. Link introduced him to the newcomer between chuckles.

Link: Hey, Ganon, meet Mrs. Maurron.

Ganondorf began chuckling. Mrs. Maurron, thoroughly confused and angry, stomped her foot and shouted.

Mrs. Maurron: Did you go to the same camp as Falco or something?

Ganondorf: What?

Mrs. Maurron: Never mind. I'd get myself a good lawyer if I were you, smashers! You three, come with me!

Laughing an evil laugh, she escorted the primary defendants, Mewtwo, Ness, and Falcon, to court.

Mario: Well, that's just great. How are we going to make enough money to hire an attorney?

The smashers all turned to Mario in unison.

Mario: What…don't look at me like that! No! Go away! I won't – 

Bowser (doing a perfect impression of Mrs. Maurron, for dramatic effect): Murderer! I'll have you thrown away for the rest of your life!

Peach: Yeah! And then some!

Already annoyed with his fellow smashers, especially Peach, Mario saw no alternative but to concede.

Mario: Fine, I'll call the TV stations back. Dear God, why me?

Luigi: Say, Marth, aren't you a prince? Don't you have any money to lend to our cause?

Mario brightened up rapidly, but Marth shook his head.

Marth: I doubt anyone around here would take currency from Altea. No one could read the denominations. They use Japanese and our own Altean number system.

Luigi: Oh well.

Mario: Good idea, though. Now stop talking, all of you. I'll call the stations.

Peach: I get to be-

Mario: No! Don't talk! Please!

Intimidated by Mario's supplication, the smashers waited patiently for their assignments, split themselves up, and hurried off to prepare some skits. Mario shook his head as Luigi tried to be optimistic.

Luigi: Well, Mewtwo and Ness are gone, at least. What's the worst that could happen?

Mario: If you're trying to cheer me up, asking that question is a terrible, terrible idea.

Young Link, Peach, and Jigglypuff were the first to walk out with their skit prepared. Young Link had a distinctly disturbing look on his face, and Mario began to wonder why a moron and a smasher that couldn't put up much of a protest ended up on a team with the young hero. The other smashers finished as well, and Mario prepared himself for the worst.

YL: We'll go first!

Before anyone could object, the three walked on stage and smiled broadly. Jigglypuff looked somewhat concerned.

YL: Our product was…crayons!

Smashers: _WHAT?!_

YL: That's right! Crayola said we did such a great job last time, I should do the _exact same thing_ again. Actually, I made up that last part, but it was implied.

Mario: I hate you.

YL: Hmm…laser lemon and macaroni and cheese and cadet blue and denim and vivid tangerine…

Samus: Can I shoot him?

Mario: Sadly, we need the money from this. Just tune him out. I wonder what Peach and Jigglypuff are doing up there?

Mario soon got his answer. Peach reached behind Young Link and pulled out another box. Apparently, Crayola's latest release had so many crayons that they wouldn't all fit in one box. Jigglypuff, meanwhile, seemed to be making an appeal to Pokémon fans by posing very cutely. Mario was impressed with her knowledge of marketing, but his positive feeling soon screeched to a halt as the other two began reading crayon names alternately.

YL: Pine green!

Peach (giggling): Peach!

YL: Asparagus!

Peach (still giggling): Peach!

YL (visibly annoyed): Granny Smith Apple!

Peach (in hysterics): P-Peach!

YL: That does it. Move.

He pulled out his boomerang and hit Peach squarely on the head. She passed out, and Young Link put the other box back down behind him.

YL: Now where was I…oh yes! Well-done sienna-

Mario: That one _couldn't_ be in there.

YL (beaming): No, I made that one up. Funny, huh?

Mario: Riotous. Now get off the stage. I think you've made your point. And don't even think about running around the set reading off names for the rest of the chapter.

YL: How did you know I was going to-

Ganondorf: I wish I had killed you when you were small, Link.

Link: Strangely, I'm not sure I disagree…

Mario: Anyway, who's next?

Samus: Let's go, team!

Samus marched onstage, followed by Dr. Mario, Ganondorf, DK, and Fox. Mario found himself hoping that Dr. Mario and Samus could maintain some semblance of sanity on the stage.

Ganondorf: I saw that! Young Link moved!

Mario: He's allowed to _move_, Ganondorf.

Ganondorf: You sure? I know this nifty trick where I trap someone in a crystal…

Fox: Oh, you had to bring _her_ up, didn't you?

Zelda: Who, me? Frankly, I liked that crystal…so relaxing…

Ganondorf: Stay out of this, Zelda. You too, Fox, I don't know what you're talking about.

Fox (glaring): Of course not! You never care about my adventures!

DK: Are crystals like…bananas?

Mario realized that, as usual, his hopes were entirely unreasonable.

Dr. Mario: Shut up, DK. Our product is…this!

He held up an obviously fake cell phone and stepped aside. Ganondorf and Fox stepped forward.

DK: Hey look, I just found exactly $1.27 on the floor!

Fox: Huh?

DK: Look! 

DK held up what is clearly a twenty dollar bill. Mario couldn't tell if the monkey was being serious or not.

Fox: Oh, you're right, DK. Exactly $1.27. The government's money has been well spent on your public edification.

DK: I'll edificate you!

Fox: No, DK, no you won't.

Ganondorf (again highly enthusiastic and cheerful): Hey, fellas, what's new?

Fox, once again, barely stifled a laugh. DK rolled on the floor laughing, so Fox took over his lines.

Fox: Gee, Mr. Stranger who I'm not supposed to talk to, I just found, er, exactly $1.27 on the sidewalk here, and now I'm, um, sad because I can't spend it on anything.

Ganondorf: Are you kidding? Do I have an idea for you!

DK (between giggles): Yes?

Ganondorf (struggling to maintain a cheerful air): Of course I do! Just dial 10-10-½-4 billion-pi-the square root of negative 1-666 for long distance rates of only $1.27 a minute! 

DK (calmed down and ready to continue the skit): Boy, that sounds like a great deal!

Fox: How exactly do you dial ½? Because I own a telephone, and it's not-

Ganondorf: If you dial these magic numbers, your friends will come to you in droves asking for your secret!

DK: What's a drove?

Fox: And pi is an irrational number, so I'd have to dial an infinite number of digits-

Ganondorf: Just remember this number! 10-10-½-3 billion-pi-the square root of negative 1-666!

DK: I'll edificate your drove! Irrationally!

Fox: And I'm positive that the square root of negative 1 is an imaginary number and definitely can't be dialed, either-

Ganondorf: Let's hear the number one more time! 10-10-½-2 billion-pi-the square root of negative 1-666!

DK: Is edification anything like education?

Fox: And you just gave three different numbers for the fourth number in the series, so-

Ganondorf: That's right, this number will lead to many $1.27's well spent. There's no need to be pauciloquenton the phone anymore!

He snatched the bill from DK, who took the phone from Dr. Mario and made a phone call.

Samus (miming picking up a phone elsewhere): Hello?

DK: Pa's eloquent!

Samus: Oh really? You just dialed 10-10-½-2 billion-pi-the square root of negative 1-666 to save on long distance? That's meritorious!

DK: I'll meritoriate you…in droves!

Samus: Thanks, Ganondorf!

Ganondorf, at this point, could no longer keep up the charade. He turned to DK angrily and shouted.

Ganondorf: Keep this monkey away from words. Of any kind.

Dr. Mario: Truer words were never spoken. Start saving today!

As they walked off the stage, few smashers were not laughing hysterically. Mario was one of them, who stared in shock as the original number was obscured beyond all recognition.

Mario: Money, people! Humor is secondary!

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Dr. Mario and Luigi (simultaneously): Yoshi's right!

Dr. Mario: Humor is an essential part of-

Luigi: We need enough money to-

Mario shook his head, slapping his forehead yet again.

Mario: You do realize that both of you interpreted Yoshi's exclamation in completely contradictory ways, right?

DK: You're contra-

Mario (interrupting quickly): Stop that. Who's next?

For once, the room fell silent. The silence lasted for several moments, as no smasher found him or herself willing to display their skit. Young Link was fidgeting noticeably, repeatedly and spastically reaching for the box of crayons. Ganondorf glared at him each time the elf started to move. Mario sighed.

Mario: Don't tell me I have to call on someone? What is this, high school?

Falco: Yeah…see, I had a big math test to do, and I forgot my research at home, and last week was Yom Kippur, and my cat just died, and-

Mario: Shut up, Falco. You're not Jewish. And you don't even have a cat.

Falco: Not anymore, obviously! You just don't understand!

Falco burst into mock tears, as the other smashers tittered at his adolescent outburst. Clearly, Mario reflected, he _was_ dealing with high schoolers. 

Mario: Will someone just do their commercial already?

Zelda: All right, come on guys.

Zelda marched onstage, and motioned for the others in her group to join her. Marth, Link, and Roy, all looking very out of their element, followed her onstage.

Mario (whispering): Notice something common to the guys in this group?

Luigi: Well, they all have swords…

Mario: Not that! They-

Zelda held up her hand to silence the audience. She triumphantly held up a large bag that contained hair conditioner and lipstick. The men onstage tried to hide behind each other, stealing glances at the princess every so often.

Luigi: I see. Like guys joining the dance team to meet girls.

Mario: This is high school, no doubt about it. 

The other smashers, oblivious to Mario's commentary, tittered at the situation that the swordsmen found themselves in.

Zelda (shaking her head dramatically, letting her hair fly around): Want hair with character?

Link (in a monotone): Yes. My hair has so many, um, split ends.

Roy (ditto): It's so dry, I can't even, um, work with it.

Roy's comment caused the smashers to erupt into laughter, due to the clear lack of effort that he put into his hair. Roy's face reddened, then the laughing stopped as a thought crossed each smasher's mind (except Peach and DK).

Fox: When did you learn English?

Roy: A plot hole? What does this mean?

Fox: I didn't say anything about a plot hole. You must have misunderstood my question.

Samus: Actually…

Mario: Get on with it, people.

Zelda: Right! Anyway, for great hair that won't let you down, get Vidal Bassoon conditioner…it'll strike the right chord with you!

Mario: Well, that's the worst pun I've ever heard.

Link and Roy smiled self-consciously, as Zelda continued to the next segment in the ad.

Zelda: Coming soon, some great new lipstick colors! We have…

Mario: Why do I suddenly have a sense of déjà vu?

Zelda: Scarlet and bittersweet and ruby and crimson and…

Link appeared confused; he didn't know whether to continue with the script since Zelda was still talking. He decided to step forward and get it over with.

Link: Maybe she's born with it.

Young Link chuckled.

Marth and Roy: Maybe it's Maybelline!

Zelda paused for a moment to stare at the audience, selling her product.

Ganondorf: It's Maybelline. Go away.

Roy: How dare you-

Zelda: …and maroon and mauve and mahogany…

Marth: Just let it go, Roy.

Roy: R-right.

Not knowing how to react to Zelda's apparent loss of sanity, twenty-five of the smashers remained silent for the longest period of time in the smashers' history.

Mario: OK, well, good work, you guys. Please get off the stage.

Link, Marth and Roy were more than happy to comply. They ignored the loud snickers and mock applause from their peers, and went to go hide in their rooms. Zelda, though, did not seem intent on stopping.

Zelda: …and strawberry and raspberry and boysenberry and plum…

Ganondorf: How many crystals am I going to have to make?

Dr. Mario: Something about this atmosphere just promotes reading off colors' names, I think. The plot of land we're on may have once been a crayon burial ground.

Mario (incredulous): Do you want to run that by me again?

Dr. Mario: You…you didn't bury your crayons? And I thought we were related!

Samus: Unbelievable. I guess I'll take over Mario's role…who's next?

Pikachu: Pi!

Pichu and Pikachu walked onstage together, and eventually Bowser and Falco followed.

Pichu: Pi! Pichu pi, pichu, chu…pi pi pichu?

Bowser: I think so, Pichu, but aren't hamsters allergic to lipstick?

Falco: I hate you.

Bowser: Narf.

Mario slapped his forehead again. He knew that pop culture references wouldn't mean a thing to this group.

DK: I'm allergic to edification.

Link: Wow, DK, who would have thought?

Zelda (having been pushed off the stage, she continued to recite to herself in the corner): …and flamingo and lavender and hot pink and green-

Marth was sure he had missed something, either in translation or in this unfamiliar culture.

Marth: Green lipstick?

Zelda: You are paying attention!

Mario: You really should stop that, Zelda. Ganondorf is too busy babysitting Young Link at the moment, but…

Zelda: Is that a threat?

Pikachu (angrily): Chu!

Luigi: We're still filming, Mario.

Mario: What? Well, start!

YL: Hey! I'm not a baby!

Mario: OK, new rule. If you're not on the stage, you are banned from speaking.

Link: Hey! I don't know what things are like in Italy, but this is a free country! There's something called freedom of speech!

Mario: There's also something called slapstick comedy. It seems to be popular around here, want to experience it?

Link: Huh?

Suddenly, a giant safe fell from the ceiling, squashing Link like a pancake. It promptly disappeared and Link inflated himself back to consciousness.

Link: Oh, _that's_ slapstick comedy.

DK: I'll slapstick your pauciloquent droves.

Mario: Right. Slapstick humor. So shut up, all of you.

Link: That hurt…

Mario: No it didn't. That's the humor: nothing hurts!

Link: You're evil.

Mario: Banned from speaking! Starting now.

Mario basked in the silence for several minutes. Finally, Bowser shouted angrily to get the plumber's attention.

Bowser: Look, I'm not proud of this, so let's get it over with.

Mario: Yes, fine, whatever.

Pikachu: Ka!

Pikachu proudly held up a copy of Pokemon: Colosseum. 

Pichu: Pichu! Pi, pichupi!

Falco: No, Pichu, that is _not_ my final answer.

Bowser: Yes, and you should buy this game or something.

Pikachu (angrily): Pika! Chu, pika pikachu!

Bowser (expressionlessly): Whoa.

Pichu (also angrily): Pi!

Falco: There is no spoon.

Pikachu jumped in the air, displaying the game title prominently.

Pichu: Pi, chu! Pikapi, chu pi kachu pika!

Falco: Surrender now, or prepare to fight!

Bowser: Hey, Steve!

Pikachu, completely enraged, shocked Falco and Bowser to unconsciousness next to Peach. He held up the game one more time and stormed off the stage, as Pichu followed. The other smashers were mostly laughing at Falco and Bowser's antics, but Mario felt bad for the Pokémon.

Mario: Come on, guys, how would you like it if someone interrupted your skit?

Silence reigned again.

Mario: Oh, right, you're banned from speaking. Funny how that works, isn't it? Good job with the slapstick humor, Pikachu. Next group?

Kirby silently led the Ice Climbers, Yoshi, and Mr. Game & Watch onstage. G&W was careful not to beep too loudly until his foot reached the stage. 

Nana: Our product was this…um, what's the word again?

Kirby: It's a razor. Used for shaving, or something.

G&W: Beep! Beep!

Yoshi: Yoshi yoshi yoshi!

Popo: Yeah…sure, guys. But, um… (consults script while trying to be inconspicuous) I want a nice, clean shave!

Kirby (overacted): Yes, well, we all know exactly what that means. So, we can help you!

G&W: Bleep?

Nana: That's right, Mr. Game & Watch, the new Schitt razor –

Popo: What?

Nana: Oops…Schick razor has a new – what? What's so funny?

All of the older smashers were in tears at Nana's misreading. 

Nana: Yoshi has bad handwriting, it's not my fault!

Mario: Never mind, Nana, keep going. The audience is banned from speaking.

The audience fell silent, except for a few snorts from the back. Nana cleared her throat and continued.

Nana: The new Schick razor has underwent a series of improvements over the years, and now, we present a great new improvement!

Popo: Um…it doesn't hurt anymore?

Kirby (whispering too loudly): Stick to the script!

Yoshi: Yoshi! Yoshi.

G&W: Beep beep bloop.

Popo: Yeah, I know what you mean, GW. 

Nana: Anyway…Schick has added a fourth blade!

Kirby: That doesn't seem like a good thing-

Nana: For extra comfort!

Kirby: Oh, OK. 

Nana: And it squirts out shaving cream on its own!

Popo: I don't think "squirts" is the best word to-

Nana: For extra comfort!

Popo: OK then.

Nana: And for a limited time only, when you buy a Schick razor, we'll also throw in a neck pillow!

Kirby: For extra comfort?

Nana (looking at him oddly): No, silly, so you can shave in bed!

Kirby: Silly me.

Nana: Get your brand new Schick razor today!

Mario: Good job, that's a wrap.

The smashers left the room quietly, leaving Mario and Luigi alone to ponder.

Luigi: It's hard to believe everyone's been so well-behaved.

Mario: They're as worried about the lawsuit as we are. We need all of this money, and I think for once everyone understands that.

Peach (suddenly recovering from Young Link's attack): I'm on TV!!!!

Mario: Peach, go kill yourself.

Luigi (whining): Mario, I was just about to deliver my catch phrase…at least no one died this time! And you went and ruined it!

Mario: Luigi. She's not stupid enough to really kill herself-

Peach: Goodbye, cruel world!

Mario: Oh, for the love of God.

Mario ran down to the stage to separate Peach from her murder weapon of choice: her frying pan.

Peach: I'll do it! Don't try to stop me!

Mario: Peach, this is a frying pan. What do you think you'll accomplish by hitting yourself with it?

Peach: Well, it makes that really cool sound effect…

Mario: Go away.

Just then, Falco and Bowser woke up.

Falco: Good work with the Homestar Runner reference, pal.

Bowser: We sure showed them what happens when they make us advertise their games!

Mario: Go away.

The two shrugged and left the room.

Luigi (melodramatically): At least no one-

Mario: The chapter's over, Luigi.

Luigi: Oh.

(A/N: First of all, I need to credit Urza (the fanfiction writer, not the artificer) for the Pinky and the Brain-esque quote, and Dave Barry for writing a column about razors and the increase in blade numbers. And of course homestarrunner.com. And whatever other sources I alluded to.

In any case, I hope you enjoyed the third installment of this fic…yes, I made an original character here but I don't think she'll turn up much. Stay tuned for chapter four, and don't forget to review!)


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